Zhanna (49)

Bratislava, November 24, 2022. Day 276 of the war.

Zhanna, 49, lived happily with her family in the border region of Ukraine and Russia, just 30 kilometers from the frontlines where bombs were falling on her hometown. She observed the flying rockets destroying her city from the window of her house. When two missiles flew from across the border in the morning, she knew there was a good chance of having a calm afternoon. She has a large part of her family in Russia and considers Russian as her native language. However, she has lost contact with her relatives. They claimed that Ukrainians were bombing themselves and believed the Russian propaganda. Brothers and sisters turned into strangers. Into enemies.

"I'm from Malaya Danilovka near Kharkiv. We survived at home for four months of war, hoping for victory. Before Russia attacked us, my daughter and I caught a cold while on a trip, and we both had high fevers above 39 degrees. On February 24th, I woke up with a temperature, and I noticed something flashing in the living room. My husband and son were watching TV and told me that the war had started. That's when I realized the explosions outside. It was 4 o'clock in the morning, and no one sets off fireworks at that time. Panic engulfed the city; the Russians were heading straight for Kharkiv, aiming to seize it quickly. On the first day, they reached the outskirts."

"We thought they wouldn't destroy our city because it was beautiful and developed. But in an instant, many of us became homeless. Houses, churches, theatres were destroyed, and many families were massacred. Some lucky ones survived, while others hiding in a school never saw the light of day again. Every night, I dreamt of waking up the next day and the war being over. Instead, I got used to what was happening and accepted the new reality of life. We were like prisoners. The roads around the city were mined, and any attempt to escape would lead to certain death. I didn't want to risk it, so we stayed home and waited."

"We have a big house, but no basement. When we bought it, we didn't think about ever needing a shelter. We didn't even have a room with two walls where we could hide with the children, except for the bathroom. When the situation was at its worst, the kids would hide there. My older daughter, who lives in Bratislava, called us every day asking us to come, but there was fighting all around us. It was more dangerous to leave than to stay. Many acquaintances were shot by the Russians while attempting to escape the city. Besides, I have back problems; it suddenly struck, and I couldn't move for several days. I told my husband to leave me behind and escape. They stayed with me."

"You try to come to terms with the horrors you've experienced. Some hide in the metro, where they can silently contemplate the future in relative safety, while others take to the streets, trying to reconcile with reality. It was the same for us. You want to live normally; you want to die without fear. Even the children got used to it and went out to play. In the end, whether a rocket hits you on the street or in your house, the result is practically the same. It's a strange feeling when I remember my children scootering in front of the house, and instead of music, distant explosions could be heard. We had the shelling of the city tracked. We knew that if the Russians fired two rockets in the morning, more would follow in the evening. We knew that the next part of the day would be relatively safe for the children. It seemed like the kids were handling the stress very well. It was only here that my son confessed that he was scared and was trying to be strong just for us."

"We gradually get used to it. Even to the fact that houses around us are on fire and our acquaintances are dying. Our neighbour went to get bread, which was delivered by volunteers, as the shops were no longer functioning. During his trip, gunfire started, and he never returned home. He had two children. It was the first death that struck us. Subsequently, we received news of deaths and injuries every day. We were right on the front line, constantly hearing the sounds of fighter jets and bombers flying over our house. A terrible chapter of our lives began. Suddenly, there was no electricity, gas, water, and outside it was -20 degrees Celsius. We were defenseless against rockets. From Belgorod, a rocket would reach us in 20-40 seconds, which the air defense system couldn't even target in that time. Our only hope was our children and their will to live. Everyone knows someone who has died. The death of 5-month-old Misko deeply affected me. At the beginning of the war, his parents took him to Western Ukraine, where they rented an apartment. But after a few months, they ran out of money and had to return home. I was supposed to meet with Misko's mother, but I was busy. A rocket hit the parking lot where her husband was waiting in the car with little Misko. They died on the spot. The mother was shielded by a large metal plate that protected her from the debris."

"A whole generation of emotionless people is emerging in Ukraine. They are just cold machines with steel hearts. Many acquaintances left their children here in Slovakia or in other countries and go back home to help. A friend told me that she only talks to her children over the phone. When they tried video calls, she burst into tears. She has four children and since she brought them to safety in Slovakia, she has seen them only for one week."

"Gradually, our food supplies began to run out. I have never been the type of housewife who has preserves and 20 kilograms of flour in the pantry. My husband sensed that something was going to happen. Thanks to him, we survived the first few weeks. Exactly one month after the war started, we received our first humanitarian aid, which included black bread. It was a gift from heaven, and we cried with happiness when we tasted it. Masa and our younger son Danka helped the soldiers and delivered aid to people in the subway. My husband drove around the city in a car, distributing aid, while bombs and fighter jets flew over his head. When a rocket is launched, people no longer take cover, but they watch where it lands and run there to help extinguish fires or rescue people from the rubble. One day, 53 rockets fell in our area, and one of them hit a neighbouring house. They were our daily rockets, but with God's help, we endured. We endured until the moment when my son Iskander fell at the place where he was riding his bicycle a moment before, leaving a 12-meter crater on the road. That was the moment when we decided to leave."

"Even without that, it was an unbearable situation. We didn't have gas and electricity regularly; I had to brew coffee using a candle. We had a generator, but we could only use it twice a day, in the morning and evening. We couldn't have lights on because it would make us an easy target. Our only source of light was a small candle or the light from a phone. When we needed to make a call or use the internet, we had to go to the roof where we could catch a signal. We didn't see our neighbours on the sidewalks in front of our houses; instead, we held onto chimneys. The war brought us together. Previously, we hardly knew the name of the neighbour next door, but now we helped each other. We exchanged what we lacked, built communal shelters, and planned our escape. During the war, you realize that it's not important what car you drive, what clothes you wear, or what you eat. The most important thing is that you are alive."

"We left. At the border, we found out that my husband had been exempted from military service. He had been exempted since 2003, but he completely forgot about it. When we crossed the border, Danka ran into the field and shouted, 'Mom, there are no mines here!' He laughed, and I cried tears of joy. We were safe. When we entered the apartment for the first time, my husband went in first and turned on the lights. It was something he had been forbidden to do for months. We had everything before, and now we have nothing. Fortunately, Slovaks are helping us intensively, so we have hope for a better life. We have to be decent, united, and persevere. We hold our destiny in our own hands. Our ancestors used to extract mines from the fields after World War II, and now it will be our turn. But we can handle it! Until the war ends, I will help with humanitarian aid to ensure it reaches the right places."

"When we arrived here, we couldn't find a school for the children. Everywhere was full. Eventually, they were accepted into a school located about 50 minutes away from us. The important thing is that we are safe and the children can continue their education. The war revealed a new talent in Masa; she started writing songs about the war and drawing. She completed the 9th grade and wants to be a graphic artist. Since she doesn't have her documents translated, she cannot attend a state school, and we don't have the money for a private one. We hope we'll somehow manage. Danko is very determined. When he realized he could collect money by collecting bottles, he started doing it. Due to my back problems, it's harder for me to find work; factory jobs or cleaning jobs are not an option. My husband found employment practically immediately, so we were able to pay the bills and buy something small for the children."

"Eli helped us a lot. She found us an apartment and convinced me to go to Ukraine with her and bring my parents, who are 75 years old, to Slovakia. She arranged accommodation for our parents, as we were cramped together in one apartment. For free. Dominik, the apartment owner, asked us if everything was alright. Can you believe it? He offered free housing to refugees and even asked if we were satisfied. The next day, he came with bags full of food and new mattresses. Our family was fortunate to encounter such people in Slovakia!"

"I didn't feel joy returning home; instead, I felt despair from the destruction I witnessed. I didn't recognize my own city. I was filled with great fear, but Eli is a brave woman; she's never afraid. She is our hope and a source of faith that everything will be fine. She regularly goes to Ukraine, to the areas of the most intense conflict, and brings humanitarian aid there. I help her make contacts and get discounts. Despite its pitiful technical condition, her car can transport over a ton of food, medical and hygiene supplies, or even a generator. People are more excited about soap than food. It allows them to feel clean and gives them a sense of dignity. We all imagined our lives differently. I hoped that in my fifties, I would finally be able to relax. Instead, I'm learning a new language and looking for work. However, I don't want to take hope away from the children, even though we don't have enough money. Let them dream and work on themselves."

"It took my mom a while to adjust to the fact that she could go out on the street without worries after seven months. Older people wanted to have a peaceful old age, and now they have to start over. They have to get used to a new life, all because Putin decided so. When we came here, I told them to imagine that they were going on a vacation to Europe, that they would endure the winter here, and then we would see."

"We are citizens of a brave and strong nation. Everyone who stayed at home is a hero. Even those who don't follow Russian propaganda and don't spread hatred. In the past, I didn't perceive a difference between us and them; after all, we were once one country. I don't understand why such a vast country needs another piece of land. We used to be friends, and now they shoot at us. Some people understand that it's a senseless war, but many have had their minds manipulated. Nevertheless, we must forgive them. Despite everything that has happened, I can't hate Russians; I feel sorry for them. They thought they were going to a developing country. It's true that my mother's pension is only €50, and she doesn't receive any other support, but otherwise, she had everything. But from what kind of poverty must those soldiers come from that they steal washing machines, phones, or even toilets from us? Unfortunately, what they can't take, they destroy. However, we believe in victory. After each bombing, people come to the city to repair roads, power lines, or plant flowers."